On the Inclusion of a 5th Horseman
I detailed in an earlier blog that I am a big proponent of Gottman couples therapy. World renowned couples therapist researcher Dr. John Gottman discovered that couples who tend to engage in all or some of these 4 behaviors: criticisms, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, tend to break up. Dr. Gottman introduces antidotes to these behaviors, which help to get the relationship back on track. I detailed this in a previous blog post here.
While Gottman names 4 horseman, I’ve observed the addition of a 5th horseman with many of the couples I work with. This potential 5th horseman is the use of assumptions/assuming in the relationship. The definition of an assumption is something that is accepted as being true without the presence of fact. A theme with these assumptions is that they are usually not generous towards the other partner. In this manner, there is overlap with the Critical Horseman. This leads to many problems, from assuming the worst in the other partner, which might sound like, “my partner is thoughtless and never thinks about me.” It might feel that way in the relationship, but my job as a couples and family therapist, is to find the best in each partner, and in my 11+ years as a therapist, I’ve observed these cognitive distortions/assumptions to never be true. I wrote a blog previously about the use of generous assumptions in couples therapy, which is linked here.
A less severe way this 5th Horseman of negative assumptions might present is, “I know what my partner is thinking in this situation.” Inevitably, this leads to feeling like there is little emotional distance in the relationship. Mind-reading or mind-assuming doesn’t allow for a healthy emotional distance. The clinical term for this is emotional enmeshment, which leads to conflict, as each partner ends up in a cycle of feeling unheard and misunderstood, with little room to fully express themselves.
As Gottman has antidotes to the 4 Horseman, there is an antidote to this one as well. The antidote to this is to introduce a more curious mindset in the relationship. Prolific film Producer Brian Grazer, who has produced films ranging to “Parenthood” to “Friday Night Lights,” has written books on the subject of curiosity, and how curiosity can heal the world. When we are curious, we don’t assume, and it deepens our relationships. He has credited his curious mindset with enhancing his career, and making him a better husband, father, and person. He talks about how being curious has gotten him away from forming biases and judgments towards others. This is detailed in an interview with Oprah; he describes how curiosity is a crucial trait in terms of deepening conversations and intimacy.
Not only is Brian Grazer’s hypothesis astute, it is also correct; if you’re trying to break the pattern of assumptions, it’s best to be curious towards others. The best way to accomplish this is by asking open-ended questions. In order to understand open-ended questions, I’ll explain their antithesis which is closed-ended questions. Closed-ended questions usually start with “did” or “are.” A closed-ended question would be, “Are you angry right now?” It elicits a yes/no response, and note that there is often a degree of accusation implied in the closed-ended question itself.
Open-ended questions are superior to closed-ended questions. Open-ended questions start with “what” or “how.” This might sound like, “What came up for you when we were meeting with your family?” This is far better than, “Did you feel unimportant and disregarded when we met with your family?” After all, your partner is someone who you will observe to change over their lifetime who you are never done truly knowing.
In sum, utilizing curiosity and open-ended questions gets us to move towards cultivating more generosity in the relationship, and ultimately, deepening it, too. Like all good couples therapy interventions, when we can spot the negative pattern, it is helpful to know that there is also an antidote that can help make the pattern better.
