Jo’s Guide to Checking In

As your journey in couples therapy begins, I always encourage couples to check in with in with one another. These check ins are crucial. They are important because they aid in an important value in couples therapy, which is trying to give a more generous assumption towards your partner. These check ins help to give context, too. I’ll explain more below. 

For example, say your partner comes home from work and is behaving irritably and the conversation is short and snippy. “Wow, my partner is really behaving like a jerk right now,” you might think to yourself. Had more context been provided, such as maybe your partner received a poor evaluation from their boss that day, and they were extremely stressed as a result, you might be more willing to give them a more generous assumption. A more generous assumption might sound like, “my partner has had a bad day. They are struggling emotionally right now.”

As a client pointed out to me, while they speak to one another, their conversations sometime lack emotionality, intention, and purpose. The purpose of the particular check in that I recommend is to garner more intention behind it. 

I like to divide the check in between two main ideas: part 1 is describing your own emotional context, and part 2 is communicating how that context impacts how your ability to be present and available (physically and emotionally) for your partner. 

For part 1: think about answering these questions with your partner:  What was it like to be me today? What feelings came up for me?  What are my current strengths and challenges?  

For part 2: think about answering this question: How does this context influence the ways in which I am able to show up for my partner? How might I gauge my availability (or non-availability) for their emotional needs at the moment?

Try out this intentional check in. Try it on daily, bi-weekly, or weekly. You just might find out that it fosters more closeness, connection, and generosity in your relationship.