On the importance of generous assumptions in couples/family therapy

A driving principle of couples and family therapy is that the therapist works to generate high positive regard within the couple's relationship.  Why is this important?  The goal is almost always to increase a more positive feedback loop of interaction within the dynamic; couples sometimes end up in couples therapy because they are stuck on a loop that feels negative.  As a therapist, it is always a goal of mine to cultivate warmth within the couple's or family's relationship, and this helps to do just that.

Changing this feedback loop can be done by conceptualizing the relationship differently, or by thinking about the relationship in a different light.  I love the use of Narrative Therapy, which essentially says that the story around something can always change and shift.  I find this sentiment so powerful; I remember learning about it in graduate school, and the therapy model made an impression on me all the way back then.  "I learned today during our session that it is never too late to change the story around our relationship," is what a client shared recently.  I was moved by this share; talk about speaking truth to power.  I firmly believe that stories can change as long as clients and couples are given the right tools to do so.

I am proud to say that I learn from the couples I work with all the time.  Occasionally, a touching moment happens in sessions, and I am almost moved to tears.  A moment that happened recently was that a partner shared in a session, "It's that my partner isn't willing to do X...wait (the client caught their word choice)...it's that they aren't ABLE to do X."  This was a very moving moment for me because the client saw how their perception of their partner was impacting their view of them, trapping them in a cycle of negativity.  In that moment, the client accepted their partner; that slight shift in words from "unwilling" to "unable" allowed the client to see their partner in a more generous light.

Remember that it's never too late to change the story about your relationship.  We can change negative dynamics into more positive ones.  A certified psychotherapist along with couples and/or family therapy can help you to do just that.