Gottman Couples Therapy: an Overview
If you’re already working with me, you probably know that I love Gottman Couples therapy. If you are contemplating working with me, you will soon find this out. Two trailblazers in the field of couples therapy who I admire is the Drs. Gottman. The Drs. Gottman consists of Dr. Jon Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman. They are a married couple, both are psychologists, and they studied thousands of couples in a lab. In their research, they found what makes couples thrive vs. what tends to predict divorce if carried out many years. They named the maladaptive patterns, “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” because of the negative outcomes associated with them. The most helpful aspect of Gottman Couples therapy is that there are antidotes to the four horsemen.
The “Four Horsemen” are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I’ll explain a little bit about each of these four.
Criticism is what is sounds like; it is attacking someone’s character. It might sound like, “Why are you so lazy? Why can’t you load the dishwasher? You know I had a long day! What’s wrong with you?” Through time, this degrades the relationship and traps it in a cycle of negativity. It also tends to shift blame towards the other partner, rather than focusing on accountability, and one’s own feelings.
Contempt has some crossover with criticism, but it can be more insidious, as the intent is to abuse or hold power over the other partner. It is the cycle of resentments building, and allows little room for resolving them. It might sound like, “You are always selfish and don’t help me.”
The third horseman is defensiveness. It tends to escalate conflict, rather than sharing the blame in the dynamic. It might sound like, “It is always YOUR fault!” Implied in such a statement is a lack of accountability on the part of the partner expressing this.
The fourth horseman is stonewalling. I think of this one as icing out the other partner. The person might tune out or ignore their partner, but it really has to do with the partner not having the tools to self-soothe, which I will address below. It might sound like one partner asking the other, “What’s the matter?” and the stonewalling partner not only doesn’t respond, but even leaves the room.
I find Gottman couples therapy refreshing and pragmatic because there is something that can be done about the Four Horseman. Sometimes, I find that therapy is too focused on increasing awareness, talking about the problem, getting too metaphysical about the problem, and it can feel like you are going in circles. Gottman couples therapy is revolutionary because it is about doing something and doing something different. There are antidotes to each of the four horseman. The antidoes to the four horseman are: the gentle start-up, building a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and psychological self-soothing.
Instead of criticising, try practicing the gentle-start up instead. The gentle start-up usually uses the phrases, “I feel” and “I need.” It might sound like, “I feel really tired tonight. I had a really long day at work. I need you to load the dishwasher instead, so I can rest for 5 minutes.” Notice how this statement focuses on the partner’s own needs, rather than shifting blame towards someone else.
Instead of contempt, try building a culture of apprecation/gratitude. The Gottmans even say that this has to be carried out in a 5:1 ratio. For every expression of crticism, there needs to be 5 positive expressions. This might sound like, “You are so thoughtful and work so hard on behalf of our family. I appreciate that you made a nice dinner for us tonight.” How positive is this! Positivity is crucial in terms of building a thriving relationship. People love to hear about the things they are exceling at.
The antidote to defensiveness is taking responsibility. Couples therapy focuses on the idea that couples have a shared burden of the dynamic itself. So, this might sound like, “I am really sorry for being a bit snippy tonight. I am sorry for how I behaved. I think I have been irritable today.” This is an example of a partner taking accountability and responsibility for their actions, rather than blaming the other person.
Lastly, the partner who tends to stonewall ought to focus on self-soothing themselves. Rather than leaving the room, they can work on saying something like, “I am feeling overwhelmed by my feelings right now. I need a moment to collect myself.” So, this looks much differently than simply disengaging from the relationship, which is how stonewalling itself can appear to the other partner.
The next time you find your relationship caught in a negative feedback loop, these tips are helpful to revisit. Gottman therapy is about taking actionable steps to change. And sometimes, change is that simple; it is about making a concerted effort to do better.
