“I can't help to take away the pain, but I will hold your hand:” Validations in Couples and Family Therapy

Prior to launching my private practice, from 2013 to 2018, I was a family therapist practicing Brief Strategic Family Therapy (BSFT) at a child welfare agency in Brooklyn, NY. I was highly trained in this structured model of family therapy, which lasted 12-16 weeks, and was video recorded for supervision purposes. From 2014 onwards, I also supervised that program. The intense training I received doing BSFT continues to influence my clinical work present day.

The apex of the BSFT model was teaching families to validate one another’s feelings. It was drilled into me that this was the highest level of communication we could coach family members to do. When they succeeded at this, the reward I felt was immense. This sentiment is something I still bring into my current work; validations are something I coach all of my clients to do.

What is a validation or validating statement? Validations are generally when someone reflects, supports, acknowledges, or summarizes someone else’s feelings. These are important skills because they reduce conflict and emotional dysregulation. It might sound like:

Partner #1: I was really upset when you forgot about our evening plans. I felt ignored and forgotten about, like our date night wasn’t important to you.

Partner #2: It sounds like that my forgetfulness had a big impact on you last night.

Notice how partner #2 didn’t refute their partner’s feelings, or convince them that they were wrong. Validations are important because frequently in the therapy space, I observe the partner who is being validated to relax their body. People appear happier, peaceful, and more unguarded. They might take a deep breath. There is some evidence that a validation not only reduces conflict, but also the physiology of dysregulation. When receiving a validation, and feeling understood as a result, someone’s blood pressure may even reduce.

Conversely, an invalidation may take the form of a statement or sentiment that is denying someone else’s feelings. In my experience, the most common form of this is attempting to fix the problem for the other person or partner. I call this entering “fix it mode.” This is always well-intentioned; I don’t think anyone engages in this behavior with the intent to hurt or harm. Rather, I think family members may resort to this method because it can be deeply uncomfortable to sit with someone else’s negative emotions, and allow space for them. An example may be:

Adolescent child: I feel really nervous about my exam tomorrow. Social studies and memorizing all those facts have always been hard for me.

Parent: It won’t be that bad. You studied hard, and did your work. It doesn’t make any sense to get nervous about something that hasn’t even happened yet.

Notice how the intent is to reassure the child, but instead, this ends up missing a connection because the child’s feelings aren’t validated. It might feel uncomfortable for a parent to allow a child to feel their nerves or nervousness, so instead, they resort to fixing the problem. In an intimate relationship, this might look like:

Partner #1: I am feeling really drained from all of the housework we did this weekend. I am so tired; I feel as though I don’t have any capacity for myself, or for you. Between parenting, taking care of the household, etc., I feel like there is nothing left in my tank.

Partner #2: Just ask for a break then! It’s simple - just ask for one. You will also get a break tomorrow when the kids are back in school.

Again, Partner #2 finds it hard to sit with Parter #1’s feelings of fatigue, and resorts to naming a solution instead.

Recently, during a session, a client said to their partner, “Through couples therapy, I learned that while I can't take away the pain, I can hold your hand through it.” How perfectly this statement sums up the intention of validations! Validations are so powerful because they get us to sit with one another’s emotions, to bear witness to them, to be present with one another. As therapists, many of the clinical skills we learn along the way end up being universally helpful; validations are one of those things. Regardless of how a therapist may practice, validations are a common thread, and are an important piece of the work. So, I still very much practice all of those lessons I learned all those years ago doing BSFT.