Musings on sibling violence/abuse
Something that comes up in my work quite often is the topic of sibling abuse. Therapists and family therapists operate on the assumption of attachment theory, which essentially says that early relationships, typically those with a caregiver, serve as blueprints for romantic relationships as adults. If we extend this definition, we can also capture an often-overlooked relationship, that with a sibling. What then, does it mean if folks aren’t taught appropriate conflict resolution with one of their earliest relationships, such as a sibling?
While some level of sibling rivalry is common and also acceptable, such as verbally arguing with a sibling, sibling abuse means that hostility has become excessive; there may be slapping, hitting, kicking, punching, etc. All too often, this is normalized in our society and it is referred to as sibling rivarly. However, sibling rivalry and sibling abuse/violence differ in one key way: a rivalry is reciprocal, and is frequently motivated by parental attention, whereas the driver of sibling abuse is one sibling trying to gain power over the other. To illustrate how impactful sibling violence can be, a study by Ingram, Espalage, Davis, and Merrin (2020), found that sibling abuse was not only correlated to negative health outcomes, but was even linked to intimate partner violence later in life. This shows just how impactful sibling abuse can be.
A common dilemma that parents face is how to intervene in the sibling fighting. Firstly, I want to emphasize, if there is physical fighting, to always intervene and separate the siblings first and foremost. Safety comes first. Recent parenting literature tells us that after a physical intervention, the best way to intervene is to validate by acknowledge, reflect, and support how each sibling feels. Here is an example:
Parent: “Sibling 1, you want your x-box, but your brother is using it (reflection of the situation). That must be really frustrating (validation of feelings),” followed by, “Sibling 2, you feel that your game concentration has been derailed (validation of feelings), and you don’t want to give up playing your game at this moment (reflection of the situation).”
After each sibling has been validated, the parent can then help children equip them with skills. This can look like helping them to problem solve by suggesting at least two solutions. For instance:
Parent: “I’d really like to see the both of you to solve this yourselves (put the responsibility back on the children). Some solutions could be: you could take turns after 5 minutes? Which of you would like to set a timer (solution 1)? How about switching gears and maybe going outside? A fun game to play is Red Rover and we can all play together (solution 2)?”
Notice that the hypothetical parent presented the children with two solutions and left it up to the siblings to decide which was the best solution.
Now, I have just presented the reader with a best-case scenario. I’d like you to reflect what may happen to a young child’s nervous system, which is still forming, by the way (recent studies suggest that brain development may wrap up until as old as 28 years old), if there is none or insufficient parental intervention. Parents, although often very well-meaning, may do the following: ignore the sibling abuse, chose sides, or solve the problem for the siblings, which can lead to resentments among family members, etc. In my work, I always like to acknowledge that folks are well intentioned; a lot of these issues are generational, and they reflect a family legacy in which family members were simply not taught how to manage conflict appropriately.
After you have imagined the repercussions of parental attitudes towards sibling abuse, such as ignoring, avoiding, or being permissive towards it, let’s fast forward 20, 30, or 40 years. Again, acknowledging that attachment theory early in life influences adult romantic relationships, we can assume that folks are likely lacking in the area of conflict resolution because they were not taught appropriate skills to manage with a loved one.
This is where couples and family therapy can be helpful. Although some of us were not given appropriate tools as children to manage conflict, it is never too late to learn. Much like the parent in the hypothetical scenario above, we can practice validating, reflecting, acknowledging, supporting what your partner or loved one may be feeling. We can work on solutions together. Certainly, it is empowering to feel that although you may not have received the care or attention you needed as a child, you can give it to yourself as an adult and to your partnership.
